噩耗


越來越厭倦社交、厭倦人群。有時只想著,反正也是要吃飯的,就吃飯吧。同時對自己如斯惡劣的態度感到更加厭倦。唯獨見到劉時會覺得心安。不算熟稔而且身處不同世界,但每每想起他那句「我們是同一個星球的」就會微笑。劉幾乎沒有任何文藝素養,沒有出口成文的眩惑氣質,但他那平凡、小人物的浪漫本性,卻使這句無心經營的快語充滿篤定的美好和溫柔。我會想到靠在他的肩膀上靜靜地流淚,然後他會安慰我,最後搞一個爛gag,將我帶回現實。彷彿縱逢變幻,也沒甚麼值得大哭大嚷。就像他說起往事時的語調。

聽著身邊的人高談闊論便覺得空虛。好想讀書,用心寫作。還是快點能找到讓我覺得值得把勞力付託的工作。從他們的覆述得知自己廣被政界中人評價為「有潛質」但「性格不太穩定」,雖然不意外心裡卻立時反應「我又不打算與你們為伍,何苦要迎合你們的要求」和「你們不懂得我懂得的」。但下一秒卻還是想起自己大部份時候都情願相信自己是性格所累而非性格成全自己,並且想到自己迎合世界的欲望,確實比很多人都要庸俗和執著,所以我便沉默了。想著便覺得悲涼。

有時有人以為我無所不言,我總會歎氣。大部份時候我說話豈非沒有理由或者目的。有時甚至不顧所謂身段。否則何須做多餘的事。我的心毛毛細細,張合之間,埋著不同程度的秘密。有時會害怕終有一天精神失常會將這些秘密醜惡的流瀉一地,有時害怕睡夢成真,更多時候是害怕失去這些秘密所負載的重量。我想我是很渴望輕飄飄地過日子,卻隱隱覺得自己一旦如此,終歸會撞上風暴,在其中灰飛煙滅,沉沒海底。

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噩耗” 有 2 則迴響

  1. eugenie

    Sorry to hear about your job search being hindered by your previous reputations in the public light. It’s undoubtedly frustrating and dispiriting for you and yet I can’t help to think that this can work to your favor as well — when the right opportunity do come along, there will be no pretense about who you are and what you are capable of, and that if they want you to work for them, they must already know what they will be dealing with.

    In the last 15 years of working in America, I used to wonder if my last name (which screams German or Chinese) on my resume has something to do with my lack of call backs in my pre-new york days. Then later on I stopped worrying about the last name not because it’s something I can’t change, but rather it’s my Art degree (an MFA no less) that is deterring employers from taking my on-the-job accomplishments and qualifications seriously! For a long time I struggled to make it though the phone interview/screening round with the whoevers at the Human Resource, that is if I am even lucky to have them not toss my resume out after they took one look at my education – over-educated in the wrong field.

    Of course it’s still no comparison but keep at it my heroin. It’s all part of a humbling experience call life.

    Your sister

    P.S., When it gets too frustrating, consider taking a week off and come to NYC to let out some steam.

    1. chowching

      oh, it’s not that bad and frustrating actually, i was just murmuring some random thoughts. public reputation may hinder my job seeking but at the same time it gives me another kind of advantages that other young graduates do not have. i’m currently doing a part-time job as a transition before I get a long-term one, so nothing really bothers me, to be fair…..

      I think what I feel is very common in my generations. everytime I look at how my university classmates have been struggling in the labour market I am sure to say I am very lucky in certain sense. Especially in a city that doesn’t value culture and humanity but solely on economic growth like HK…..we have always been told not to be too “idealistic"…..

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